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Parody of Holy Grail


by Steve Lindell

December 29, 2001

I always thought that a parody of Holy Grail would make a good climbing movie. As proof that not climbing enough rots your brain I submit the following:

Opening scene:

A rutted road with the sound of clanging metal like a VW Bus banging up it. Fade back to Sir Lungealot walking up the road pretending to drive with his muse behind banging 2 bongs together (could include a 4 pack a day smoker to get the proper wheezing effects in).

Lungealot stops to ask some tourists stepping out of their RV the way to Camp 4, "Oy so your a big wall climber are you?"
"Using aid to subjugate the rock do you?"
"That may have been OK when all you had were PAs or Robbins boots, but nowadays...
Lungealot begins to back off
Just hear tourists discussing the relative merits of Stealth vs. Boreal rubber for thin smears fading off into the distance ...

Finally makes it to Camp 4 where the climbers of the round tent are meeting. King Arthur is discussing the plans to find and climb the "Holy Grail" (first ascent by J. Christ using 4 nails and a large wooden cross to protect the chimney section (the original Triton? or #87 big bro)). Eternal hardman status is to be granted to the second ascent party. The climbers strike out in search of the mythical route.

Guided by a vision of the golden summit register they all arrive at the base of where the route is believed to be (a desert tower). They start struggling up the loose rock.
Sir ??? (may we call him Bruce) the Chaste does the leading so it can be done hammerless free. As they approach the summit a head pops over the edge looking down at them. A French voice calls out.
"Zee root on zee back goes at 8a after ve heliocoptered to the top and rap bolted zee face. Vith the bolt on holds even my old mother can do it, vile you trad dogs struggle with your miserable leetle 5.10"
At this point rocks are trundled off the top on to them and a cry of "rap away, rap away" rises as they all beat a hasty retreat.

They decide to separate. Sir Bruce is climbing a desperate off width when a lilting voice is heard.
"Just reach out on to the face and clip the bolt."
Sir Bruce looks over to see a nubile lycra clad sport climbing nymphet on the next route waving him on with her Bosch.
"It is so safe, Why get all bunged up with that crack when you could be out on this nice face?"
Sir Bruce begins to waver.
"By hangdogging you can improve your ability sooo much faster".
Sir Bruce unclips a quickdraw from his rack and begins to reach out to clip the bolt. Just then Lungealot climbs through and pulls Bruce's hand back.
"Bruce, remember your vow, Never shall you clip a rap bolt or hang from your protection".
Bruce collects himself and continues on, still virginal to the vices of sport climbs.

Lungealot is walking up the trail to his route when suddenly he is confronted by several tall men wearing Smokey Bear hats.
"We are the rangers that say scree"
"Your impact it too high so you must appease us"
Lungealot: "What would you like?"
The rangers confer then say: "Bring us some shrubbery"
Lungealot retreats to the Access Fund and returns with shrubbery and some trail maintenance and is allowed to pass. Along the side of the trail are the tourists currently discussing whether a 20 ft factor I fall really generates less force than a 10 ft factor 2 fall.

Lungealot starts up the climb and is doing an overhanging offwidth and is beginning to shake from the strain and the fear of runout pro. Suddenly a bright light appears and out comes a #11 hex which slots right in...
Lungealot is convinced that he has found the route. His spirits buoyed he sticks his head out from under the roof ... only to get a bag of chalk dumped in his face.
"Zee trad zinks he can climb zee overhang? Ve do laps on zat for varmup, go back to your snowfields and leave zee real rocks alone."
At this point things are hurled down and once again Lungealot shouts "Rap Away" and retreats yet again.

So, its been a long time since I saw the movie and can't remember the end. When you make the movie just remember to send me my check.

Newsgroups: rec.climbing
From: G.J. Waldron
Date: July 20, 1994
Subject: Re: The Search for the Holy Grail

Eugene N. Miya (eugene@wilbur. nas . nasa. gov) wrote:

I have collected all the bits and will edit when I get a chance. Alas, the group is losing some of it humor and is becoming more serious and specialized like rec.skiing.* and rec.backcountry. Soon all climbing humor will be gone.

I really should integrate my favorite quote from Holy Grail with climbing:

Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. ... you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you.

How about :-
King Arthur: "What does the route go at?"
Brother Lungealot: "Consult the holy guidebook"
Brother ???: "Of course! The Holy guidebook of Stanage, tis one of the relics that brother Moon carries"
King Arthur: "Brother Moon, bring forth the Holy guidebook"
Brother Moon: "Guidebook, chapter 14, versus 1-5 - And Lo, the Lord Whillans did grade the route at El overall and the overall grade of the route shall be E1. The grade shall not be HVS, excepting that the second and third pitches continue at El and E2, neither shall it be E2, excepteth if thou climb the first pitches at HVS and El. El shall be the gr......"
Brother Lungealot: "Skip a bit brother."
Brother Moon: "The pitches go at HVS, El, E2"
King Arthur (climbing) : "Right. HVS, El, E4"
Brother Lungealot "E2 sire"
King Arthur: "E2"

Convert these to US grades if you're a better man than I.

Newsgroups: rec.climbing
Date: 10 APR 96

Mattie: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Ice Axe!
Brutus: The Figure-8... it is here....
Mattie: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Amanda! Inez!
Other women: Yes, Sir Mattie!
Mattie: Prepare a *bed* for our guest.
Others: Yes, Sir Mattie. Thank you, Sir Mattie! Thank you, Sir Mattie! Thank you-
Mattie: Away, Away, vile etessence! (to Brutus) The beds here are warm and soft... And very, *very* big.
Brutus: (protesting) Well, look, I..I, uh--
Mattie: What is your name, handsome knight?
Brutus: Sir Brutus.... the Chaste.
Mattie: Mine is Mattie... just, Mattie. Oh, but come! (starts to lead him upstairs)
Brutus: No, *please*! In god's name, show me the Figure-8!!
Mattie: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delerious!
Brutus: (urgently) No, look, I have seen it! It is here, it--
Mattie: Sir Brutus! You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our hospitality!
Brutus: (pause) Well, I--I, uh.... (looks at feet, fingers edge of shield)
Mattie: (leading him upstairs) Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score younge blondes and brunettes... all between sixteen and 19-and-a-half... cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh... it is a lonely life. Bathing... dressing... undressing... knitting exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights! (she leads him to a bed and sits him down; he tries to get up.) Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. (pushes him down on the bed) (seeing blood on his armour) Oh!! But you are wounded!
Brutus: No, no.. i-it's nothing!
Mattie: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! (he starts to get up and leave) (pushing him back down) No, no, please! Lie down.

She claps her hands twice; two sixteen year old belay slaves arrive.

Avajane: Well... what seems to be the trouble?
Brutus: (incredulous) They're DOCTORS?
Mattie: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes....

Jean: *Try* to relax...
Brutus: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Avajane: We *must* examine you.... (lifts up a flap of his kilt)
Brutus: There's nothing wrong with *that*!
Jean: Please.... we *are* doctors. (They begin to proceed with the examination when a metallic "bong" is heard from Brutus's nether region. He grabs his shield and jumps out of bed.)
Brutus: Ach! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!
Kathy: Back to your bed at once!
Brutus: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Figure-8!
Avajane: There's no Figure-8 here...
Brutus: I have seen it, I have seen it! (he runs through the curtain into another room.) I have--

(suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating various sorts of suggestive fruits... As he passes through them, each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into a staircase, where healmost runs into...) Mattie!!

Mattie: No, I am Mattie's identical twin sister, Ilana.
Brutus: Oh. Well, excuse me, I-- (starting to go by her down the stairs)
Ilana: (standing in his way) Where are you going?
Brutus: I seek the Figure-8! I have seen it, here, in this castle!
Ilana: (sudden realization) No... oh, no!! Bad, *bad* Mattie!
Brutus: What is it?
Ilana: Oh, wicked, bad, *naughty* Mattie! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Figure-8-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem....
Brutus: (incredibly disappointed) It's not the real Figure-8????!
Ilana: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, *evil* Mattie! (leading him back into the room with all the women in it) She is a *naughty* person.... and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Ice Axe, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Figure-8-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and *spank* her.
Others: A spanking, a spanking!!!
Ilana: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me!
Others: And spank me! And me! And me! And me!
Ilana: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!!
Others: A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!!!!!
Ilana: ...and after the spanking.... the Oral Sex!!
Others: (amid squeals of delight) The oral sex, the oral sex!!!
Brutus: Well, I could stay a *bit* longer...

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